


suicide apartment

by starshotplagues (honeyzula)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: 10 bucks if you can find them, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Angst, Armitage Hux Has Issues, Ben Solo Loves His Mom, Blood and Injury, Blow Jobs, Brendol Hux's A+ Parenting, Character Death, Dark Web, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Internet, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, M/M, Manic Pixie Dream Girl Armitage Hux, Mental Health Issues, Mildly Dubious Consent, Mommy Issues, My First AO3 Post, Recreational Drug Use, Rewrite, Rimming, Self-Harm, Strangers to Lovers, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide, i snuck in song lyrics, the author is speaking through the characters, use of a gay slur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:26:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24012034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeyzula/pseuds/starshotplagues
Summary: “I love you, Kylo.” he smiles at him, his eyes are glossy.“We’ll be together forever.”
Relationships: Armitage Hux & Kylo Ren, Armitage Hux/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Armitage Hux/Kylo Ren
Comments: 10
Kudos: 83





	suicide apartment

**Author's Note:**

> unbeta'd
> 
> trigger warning for suicide and self harm.

_“Fuck”_ Kylo muttered. He was out of cigarettes. 

As he swayed down the streets of Brooklyn, limping slightly, he winced. He’d sprained his ankle running from a knife-wielding homeless man who loitered outside the front stairs of his low-income apartment complex asking for meth. Possibly the most exciting story behind the origins of an injury. 

Kylo has come to realize, that his life will always be in accord with Murphy's Law. _"Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."_

He turned the corner of the alley, and made his way to his favourite convenience store where he often purchased his low nutrition value ‘meals". Kylo's diet hasn't seen a vegetable that isn't in dehydrated noodle-cup form in years. 

“Can I get a pack of camels?” He croaked out to the surly teenager at the counter. His voice was hoarse from lack of use. His stomach grumbled, he picked up a pack of chips and tossed those on the counter lazily. “And these too.”

“8.05.” grumbled the employee who looks half asleep. It’s 11:13 on a Friday night. The cashier's hands are shaking, probably attributed to nicotine withdrawal. The kid couldn't be more than 17. He'll probably develop lung cancer when he's 40, all because of fruity flavoured vape juice that Big Tobacco maliciously marketed to impressionable kids. Pathetic. Kylo placed the money on the counter, grabbed his plastic bag and pushed open the door, as he limps away, the sounds of the doors’ singsong chime could be heard in the distance. 

Kylo muses about how there's probably a million other things in this world that he'd rather do than go to work tomorrow, as he does every day. Luckily his shift only starts at noon so he has time to sleep in and laze around in his apartment yearning for a less miserable life. He'll probably fuck around and play some Fallout until he's distracted enough not to hear the thoughts inside his head. 

He made his way up the decaying stairs of his building. His apartment wasn’t what you’d call ‘comfortable living’. The thick, rancid odour of pot and sleazy cheap cologne filled his nostrils and made him gag. He let out a heavy sigh and slammed the front door shut, which angered his next-door neighbour, a frequent customer of cheap, STD ridden hookers. 

“Keep it down! I've got company in here!” He shouted

“Suck my cock you fat fuck!” Kylo yelled back. He hated that old fucker.

He leaned with his back to the door as he slumps down and sits on the musty carpeted floor. Kylo begins to sob, his face in his hands.

He sat there for about 20 minutes until he regained his composure. He gets up, retrieves his cigs from the bag and heads out to the fire escape to chain-smoke until he dozes off.

~

Kylo woke again at about 2 am feeling like a zombie. He reached in his pocket for his phone only to find that it was dead. He went back inside, plugged in his phone by his bed, (which was an air mattress with two blankets and a pillow he stole from his parents’ house) and decided to take a shower.

He stretched in front of the mirror and yawned. He's thinking he should probably eat something soon before he starts to look emaciated. His ribs jut out from his sallow, pasty skin and his eyes bore dark circles from the nights he’d spent doing god knows what on his computer. He stared into the mirror. His hair is getting far too long and is in desperate need of a new dye job. _He’ll pick up a box of dye tomorrow._ he thought to himself. 

Kylo stood in the shower, an emotionless expression on his face. He wonders when he’ll finally decide to _fucking end this shit._ The thought of _finally_ putting a bullet in his brain had been absorbing his thoughts ever since he was a teenager. But he wasn’t gonna be another teenage suicide cliche, no no, he promised himself he wouldn’t do it until he experienced the absolute worst, most miserable way of living. 

The minimum wage, low income, no relationship, no friends, way of living. and that was where he was right now. Kylo's giving himself 3 more months of agony just to torture himself. He was some sort of a masochist.

Kylo stepped out, dried himself off and headed to his room to put on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. (he’s progressed past the need for underwear at night.) Kylo checks the time on his phone. 2:43 am. Perfect.

He pulled out his beaten up Dell laptop from underneath his bed and logged on. Kylo is a frequent visitor of dark web forums and chat rooms. Initially, he enjoyed the sense of ‘danger’ even though there really wasn’t any because he wasn't doing anything illegal.

He tries his very best to steer clear of weirdos and pedophiles on there. So far he hasn't come across any, but if he did he'd find it difficult to not pose as a little kid and convince them to meet up just so could beat them to a pulp. He started up his browser and went to his favourite chat room site full of pathetic, lonely guys like him. There’s a new message board made by a user today.

 _"anyone want an invitation to a suicide site ?? no trolls allowed”_ it asks innocently. Kylo doesn’t use an account for safety reasons, so he just went by anonymous, as did most.

 _“yeah, I do whats the link?”_ he replies. He’s gone on normal pro-choice suicide sites on the clear net before, but none of them really interested him. Everyone on there just discussed methods, there’s no emotion on there, just resources on how to die ‘quickly and painlessly!’ Finding someone on there to at least have a friendship with or some sort of connection was rare. 

Kylo desired the company of somebody who he felt like he could relate to in every single way, someone who understood that life is not a journey worth suffering through and that checking out early was the only reasonable option. In other words, Kylo was just plain lonely.

Soon enough, the original poster of the message board privately messaged him with a link and an invite code to the site. Kylo copied and pasted it into a new tab. He flexes his bony fingers as it loads.

 _Welcome to Suicide Apartment!_ pops up on the screen in blocky red letters. He puts in his code, and soon enough; he’s in. He makes his account carefully in order to not seem like he was a scammer or someone looking to scam innocent troubled people.

He set his screen name to _kyloxren,_ nobody will know that it's him because, after all, it technically isn't his real name, it was sort of an alias that he identified with during his adolescence. His payroll from work still arrived in the mail, addressed to _Ben Solo._ His teeth clenched every time it comes in the mail and he’s forced to read those two words.

He set his profile pic to a picture of Cloud Strife he found on pinterest and he’s finally finished. As he navigates the site he notices that there are different forums. He browses through those for a bit and then he comes across a forum called _“find a partner”_

Kylo clicked on it and began by making a post saying what area he was in and his story. He tries to keep it as short as possible but that was pretty hard considering that he’s explaining why he is going to end his fucking life. _Jesus Christ this is so hard._

He clicked send and let out a deep breath, it’s 5 am now. Kylo exited the browser and closed his computer. He drifts off to a dreamless sleep.

~

Kylo woke up to the sounds of some retard in his building playing dubstep on full volume at 8 am. He gulped down a mug of lukewarm, bland coffee made in the communal kitchen downstairs, and does a load of laundry before heading out for his soul-crushing retail job at a tiny bodega with a collective staff of himself, the owner, and a guy named Bobby who comes into work high off his fucking ass.

It was 7:55 pm and he had five minutes left on the clock when his boss asked him if he could head to the back to collect his weekly “order” for him. Kylo has learned not to look at the face of the shorter but muscular man who hands him the package which has been wrapped in yellow duct tape. 

“And tell your useless boss that he better not forget the money again or I may have to pay him a little visit to his house soon.” He spits out at Kylo.

Kylo headed into the back room and put the package in his boss’s locker. He takes off his apron, puts on his hoodie and heads through the store to the main entrance. "He says he's gonna kill you if you forget to pay him next time.” He says to his boss in a monotone voice. He grunts at Kylo in response.

Kylo strolls home in the cool winter air, daydreaming about an alternate reality in which he is not a 26-year-old man who's never felt what it's like to be loved. He helps a little old Asian lady with a cane across the street and she smiles up at him, teeth missing, thanking him. _At least someone appreciates something I did._

While he heated up whatever pre-made frozen shit he could find lurking in his freezer, Kylo checked his computer and logged on to the suicide apartment site. He had a new message.

**stxrkiller:** _“hey so I saw ur post on the partners forum and I’m interested. I also live in Brooklyn, im 27 and im a guy._

Kylo snorted at the blunt introduction. He wasn't exactly expecting an answer so soon and the guy was also from his area so he decided to reply.

**kyloxren:** _hey :)_

~

The guy went by Hux, which sounded like a fake name but so was Kylo’s. That night they spent hours talking. 

**kyloxren:** _“I feel like I could cry until my heart exploded. I don’t want to be here anymore and I don’t know why I still am. I can’t do this anymore I’m in so much pain every day”_

**stxrkiller:** _“I understand how u feel. sometimes I feel like its my fault I feel this way. but then I realize that this world truly the most terrible place and that living will never be worth it, life has become unbearable.”_

Kylo and Hux talk every night for a week. They exchange phone numbers.

Hux tells Kylo about how he was supposed to become a doctor but dropped out of med school because he thought he'd kill himself under the pressure if he had to go on."Turns out I’m gonna kill myself anyways" He chuckled grimly. "What are the odds of that. My family can't even bear to call me or invite me over. I"m the failed disappointment of a son who was too much of a whiny pussy to get anywhere in life." There's a brief pause on the other side of the line. "They might as well have disowned me"

Kylo purposely leaves out mentioning his family, as the reminder of how he's been screening his mother’s calls and ignoring both of his parents for years makes his heart swell up with guilt that he doesn't deserve to feel. 

~

One day, Kylo came home from work with a blurry fog in his brain and a lump in his throat. He ran into his bathroom, plopped himself in the bathtub and cried until there was no more air left in his lungs. He pulled out his switchblade and didn't stop until there was a pool of red under his forearm in the tub. _Can't help but wonder why some seem to have it all while others suffer like myself._

~

The next night, Hux and Kylo were in the middle of a conversation about their favourite movies when all of a sudden Kylo decided something.

“I wanna see you.” He blurts out.

“What do you mean?" Hux sounded nervous. "Like face to face video chat?”

“Yeah, is that okay?”

“Yeah, uh, alright.”

They exchange Skypes and Kylo nervously combed through his dark locks with his fingers while checking his appearance on screen. Hopefully, the camera wouldn't pick up the obvious bags under his eyes. Hux answers and a grin sprouts on his perfect face when he notices Kylo.

"Hi,” Kylo smiles, a pink flush forms on his cheeks. Hux is wearing a grey t-shirt and his golden-red hair looks a bit dishevelled. One thing that Kylo notices, is that his eyes are a striking shade of grey-green.

"Hi." Hux whispers. His eyes trail over him slowly, like he appreciates what he sees and isn’t afraid to show it.

If he wasn't already certain that he was in love with Hux, he sure is now.

~

Kylo has become so enamoured with Hux that he forgets the reason why they became acquainted in the first place.

“Do you want to meet?’ Kylo asked one day. His computer is on his mattress and he's stretched out facing the camera.

“You mean, like.. for fun?” Hux asked, he's sitting cross-legged on his couch with a half-drunk glass of dark burgundy coloured wine. He’s just returned from work, which is a tedious office job that Hux describes, is like being stuck in limbo. Kylo rolls his eyes whenever he complains about his job. It's better than making 7 bucks an hour to be treated like his boss’s slave. He'd kill to sit in a chair all day.

“Well, yeah I guess,” Kylo says. 

“Kylo, when we meet it’s gonna be for our ‘Grand Final Exit’.” He says this in a pronounced tone while making air quotes with his fingers. “And I don't even know how that's gonna work out yet.”

“Oh,” Kylo tries to hide his disappointment, “should we talk about that then?”

Hux runs a hand through his hair. Kylo can't help but gaze at how pale his wrists are and if you look very closely you can see tiny little freckles across his creamy, translucent skin. 

"Alright,” Hux clears his throat. “You quit your job, grab your shit and come here to my place where we will have 3 last days of fun and then we will off ourselves.”

There's a moment of silence. “What day?” asks Kylo.

“April 8th,” Hux replies. Kylo wonders what the significance of that date is.

“How are we ‘offing’ ourselves?” Kylo uses the same air quotes from before, “Like have we decided on a method?

“I've collected some phenobarbital from various sources,” Hux says in an ominous tone, _what sources?_ Kylo wonders. 

Hux looks at Kylo, “You’re sure we want to do this?” Kylo is sure. He knows.

“Yes I'm sure, don't worry.” Kylo forces a strained laugh ‘What do you have planned for our 3 days of fun?” 

“We get high, do fun shit and then I don't know…maybe I _fuck you_?” Hux looks at him with dark eyes.

Kylo gulped audibly, “For real?” a shiver goes down his spine.

“Yeah, is that okay?” he licks his lips nervously.

“Yes, okay sure, yeah.” Kylo tries to hide his enthusiasm, he hears his heartbeat in his ears.

“Okay good. That's settled then.” 

The subject of Fucking was not brought up again for the rest of the night. They talked for another hour before Hux says he has to wake up early for work tomorrow. They exchanged their goodnights, both of them not acknowledging this new dynamic between them. Kylo shuts his laptop and stretches his legs. _He might as well sleep too._ He thought. 

Kylo laid in bed thinking about what Hux said earlier and imagined Hux’s warm touch against his body, Kylo feels his cock harden slightly in his sweatpants. He slips a hand under the waistband, palms himself lightly and lets out a whimper. 

Kylo imagines that it is Hux who is touching him with his long, slender fingers. He rocks against his hand, runs a thumb over his slit and spreads around the drop of precum forming on the tip. He makes a fist and wraps it around his cock, fucking it, his moans are muffled by his pillow. 

He starts to speed up and as he pants loudly, He closes his eyes and imagines the way Hux looked at him the first time they saw each other, what it felt like to be pinned down by his hungry gaze. Kylo comes with a sharp cry all over his hand and reaches over to this bedside table to grab a tissue.

“Jesus Christ I’m such a loser.” He groans.

~

It’s March 25th and Kylo is at work stocking shelves when it dawns on him that he and Hux will be meeting in two weeks. He feels a rising surge of panic.

Kylo returned home and was currently in the process of digging his nails into his palm when he heard his phone. He checks the caller ID expecting it to be Hux. it's not. _‘Mom’_ the screen reads.

Kylo hadn't spoken to his mom in a couple of months, she was under the impression that he had a normal office job and was living a plain ordinary life that most parents expect. He figures at least owes her the courtesy of one last call before his little meeting with Hux and picks up the phone, “Hello?” 

“Ben?”

“Hi, mom.” 

“How... are you doing kid?’

“Good, uh, why are you calling so late?”

“Ben, I've been thinking... I've been so worried about you, I know you're busy and all with work, but I think you should maybe take some time off and come to Washington to visit us. Me and your dad, we... uh haven't seen you in so long and I don't know... I guess we’ve felt bad about the way we left things left off last time.” She sounds like she's practiced this. He clenches his hand with more force.

 _‘Me and your dad’_ Kylo laughs in his head, he knows his dad doesn't give a shit and he's probably more focused on fucking up his liver than caring about him. He remembers the way they left things off; with Kylo leaving the house, fueled with rage.

“Look mom..” the blood now running down his palm in rivulets and falling in the sink, “You got me at a bad time, I'm just real busy.” he turns on the tap and the water in the basin turns a pink hue.

“But Ben, you're always busy!’ she sounds almost _frightened._ “I’m worried about you, I haven't seen you in 4 years! You could be dead and I would have no clue!” _soon enough that will be true,_ Kylo thought to himself.

“I'm sorry, mom, I gotta go.” he almost feels guilty, he's starting to feel like he's 17 again and his mother is looking down at him with heartbroken eyes while he's lying there with rope patterns pressed into the skin around his neck.

“Ben, I miss you!’ she sounds like she was about to cry.

“Bye mom.” he hangs up. 

_“Fuck!”_

Kylo cursed as he drove his fist into the mirror with a shattering sound. His hand was completely covered in blood that was pouring into the sink. He looked up and saw his reflection in the cracks. _I already look like a dead man_. He picks the shards of glass out of his knuckles. 

~

It’s April 4th and Kylo has completely stopped showing up at work. He and Hux are meeting in two days. He can’t tell if he’s excited or scared. Probably a mixture of both.

It had just now occurred to him that he had no idea how he would begin to explain this to the little family he has left, (AKA his mother.) Writing a note is an honourable thing to do. He sat down on the side of his mattress and pulled out his laptop, he opened up a blank document with a shaking hand and began to type. 

_Dear mom and whoever else reads this:_

_I'm sorry things had to end up this way, but it was inevitable. I have always known deep down that it would end like this. I'm sorry I wasn't better. I'm sorry I never spent my few years trying to become a better person. But I simply can't do this anymore. The pain I live with every day is unbearable. I was just not made for this world. I love you Mom._

_\- Ben_

His eyes blurred with tears, Kylo decided that he won't use a timed email service because he's heard reports of those being able to detect suicide notes. He’ll just send it to his mom at Hux’s apartment before they do it.

_You’ve got to suffer. Like you’ve never done before. Howl in pain._

~

It’s April 6th and Kylo is standing outside of Hux’s apartment door, too nervous to knock. 

He slowly lifts his hand to the door, the brown paint is chipping and the gold plated number reads _“708”._ Hux texted Kylo the address as he was packing a couple of things. Turns out he was only 20 minutes away, Kylo tries not to think about how much _time_ he and Hux could've spent together.

Kylo knocks. Moments later, Hux opens the door. He was wearing a black sweatshirt and ripped jeans. His angelic face was adorned with a bit of stubble and he looked like he'd been crying.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” he grinned.

~

Hux has Kylo’s face buried in the beige coloured cushions on his couch, ass and hips in the air. Kylo is stripped bare naked except for his shirt. Hux has got both his hands spreading his cheeks and his ongue buried in Kylo’s ass. Obscene slurping sounds can be heard throughout Hux’s tiny, but neat apartment.

Kylo grips the soft material of the couch and cries out. Hux lets an answering groan that makes Kylo’s dick throb. He pushes in his tongue past the tight ring of muscle and Kylo lets out a sob.

“Fuck fuck fuck _please.”_ Kylo howls, he’s pleading, begging Hux to touch him, anywhere. Hux keeps circling his hole with his tongue, lapping at him and eating him out like a dying man. Kylo can feel his thighs trembling.

“Tell me what you want, baby,” Hux lifts his head, lips swollen.

“Touch me. Oh god oh _fuck,_ just touch me _please.”_

Hux shoves his tongue back in, reaches his hand down to grab Kylo’s cock and twists his wrist. Kylo comes with a strangled cry, his hole clenching up around Hux's mouth. Hux presses a kiss to Kylo’s asscheek. Kylo’s legs are shaking as he rolls over and starts to unzip Hux’s jeans. 

Kylo pulls out Hux’s cock with dreamy, glossy eyes and takes it into his mouth. Hux whines. “Oh my god. So good, so good for me baby.” Kylo _swoons._ Kylo deepthroats him and buries his nose in Hux’x neatly trimmed pubic hair, Hux lets out an appreciative groan, “You’re so good at this fuck fuck, holy _fuck._ ”

Kylo looks up at Hux with big brown eyes and Hux comes with a spasm down Kylo’s throat, he greedily swallows it all as Kylo moans out. 

They both collapsed side by side on Hux’s couch and looked over at each other with a knowing smile. _This was going to be fun._

~

Kylo and Hux were currently in an alley in the Bronx waiting for Hux’s dealer. 

“Have you ever done blow before?’ Hux asked, blowing a pink bubble.

"Once, with my boss, he’s a fucking asshole, high or not. So the experience was ruined.” Kylo swayed nervously with his hands in his pockets. 

Hux smirked, “Good thing I'm not an asshole then.”

Hux’s dealer was a handsome guy, with a sharp jawline and swoopy hair. “Thanks, Poe,” Hux smiled as he handed him the cash. “Who's this?” Poe asked, gesturing to Kylo while he pulled out a bag from his pants. “That's Kylo.” Kylo smiled awkwardly at Poe while Hux grabbed the bag. 

“We’re going on an adventure.”

~ 

Kylo and Hux were running down Park Avenue with a bottle of wine tucked underneath Kylo’s hoodie. They ducked into an alley, panting for breath. “That was scary as fuck.” Kylo’s adrenaline was skyrocketing. “That was exhilarating!” Hux gleamed.

Kylo grabbed the front of Hux’s shirt and pulled him in for a rough kiss, pushing him against a dumpster _. His lips are so soft._ He thinks.He could taste the bitter flavour of the wine samples Hux drank at the store when they were in the store, posing as customers considering buying something. Kylo moves down to latch onto Hux’s neck. 

“You and me,” Hux breathed out, “we’re like Bonnie and Clyde, partners in crime.'' Hux giggled. Kylo grabbed Hux’s small frame with his hands and held him so tightly he felt like he could snap underneath his fingertips. “Let's go home.”

~

“I feel so... happy.” Kylo blurted out. They were sitting outside Hux's apartment sharing the stolen bottle of wine and one of Kylo’s cigarettes.

“Me too, I've been waiting so long for this. We finally get to leave this cruel fucking place.” Hux looked out into the city.

“Yeah... that's what I meant too. I'm happy we get to check out soon.” Kylo bit his lip, he forgot what this journey was leading to. Kylo put his cigarette out on his thigh and twisted it, searing the skin.

~

Kylo and Hux decided to do a line or two from the bag they got from Poe. Kylo’s head feels like someone took his brain out of his skull and replaced it with firecrackers. Hux was currently lounging upside down on the couch, eyes wide open.

“Hux.” Kylo looked at him from where he was sitting.

"Hmm?’ Hux asked, distracted by whatever was on the ceiling.

“Fuck me?” He phrased it like a demand. “Please?” Kylo chewed on his thumb.

“Oh?” Hux smirked at him.

“I’m serious, like I need you to be inside me like right now.” Kylo _whines._

Hux sits up to put both arms around Kylo’s neck and wraps his legs around his waist, “Yeah okay baby, I’ll give you what you want.” he bites Kylos jaw.

Hux takes Kylo that night with raw, _burning_ fire pooling in his belly. The rain pours loudly outside the window. Kylo almost comes from three of Hux’x fingers alone. Hux explains it’s because the blow amplifies your senses and makes you feel everything dialled up to 100.

Every time the tip of Hux’s cock brushes against that one spot, Kylo lets out these high pitched whines that make Hux absolutely _lose_ it. Hux folds him in half and pounds into him with more force. Kylo’s never felt this level of pleasure in his life before. When he comes it seems to last an eternity and it takes him 10 minutes to stop shaking. “ _I love you I love you I love you”_ Kylo whispers as he comes undone.

~

Kylo and Hux laid in bed together, sunshine peeking out of the white curtains. Kylo’s face was pressed in the crook of Hux’s neck. 

“Hux?” 

“Yes, Kylo?”

“I've been thinking.. we don't have to do this.”

“What?

“It's just... God, I love you... And these past two days have made me realize that I'm genuinely happy with you. And, uh, maybe we can be happy together and we won't have to do this.” Kylo’s eyes are watering.

“What do you mean?” Hux sits up and turns to face him, an apologetic look on his face. “I love you too Kylo, but, that's just... It can’t work like that. No matter how happy we may be together right now, this can't happen. this world does not deserve us, that's why we have to leave it.”

Kylo’s head spins at his words.‘ _this can’t happen’_ echoes in his head.

Tears form at the corner of Kylo’s eyes. Hux feels a pain in his chest, “Please don't be sad, Kylo.” Hux cups Kylo's face with his hands and runs his thumb over his cheek.

“I don't want you to go,” Kylo says softly.

He lifts his head and looks at Hux. “It's like... I look at you and all of a sudden I can't breathe. I feel like everything I've been lacking, every hole in my heart can be filled by you. I want to be with you. You can't go.”

“But I'm ready,” Hux purses his lips and looks down. “and you said you were too.” 

“I was, I mean, I am. But what if I'm not?”

Hux snaps his head up, startling Kylo. “Kylo, what the fuck does that mean?”

“Without you, I want to go. But if you change your mind,” Kylo’s voice cracks. “then I want to stay with you, and I want to live a life with you.” Kylo wipes his eyes with the back of his hand.

Hux takes a deep breath. “If you make me live for you then I might grow to despise you for it.”

Kylo sighs. “If you want to go, then I’m going with you and you can’t stop me.” Kylo lifts his head to look up at Hux whose face has softened.

“Kylo we can escape-” Hux starts, “We can escape this pain _together._ ” He presses Kylo’s head to his chest and kisses his forehead.

“It'll be okay very soon. I love you so much. You are the Bonnie to my Clyde, the Nancy to my Sid,” he whispers.

“Sid murdered Nancy though,” Kylo mumbled, avoiding his gaze. _The moles on Kylo’s face look like constellations, Hux thinks._

“Yes, but then he took his own life to be with her in the end.” Hux pushes a lock of hair away from his eyes. He knows he’s asking too much of him. 

~

It's April 8th. Kylo and Hux were sitting in bed together, holding hands, about to wash down the drugs with the vodka when Kylo remembers something. “Wait.” He pulls out his computer, finds the google doc written for his mother, puts it in an email and clicks send. 

“No going back now,” Kylo says. 

“One more thing.” Hux gets up and puts on a record; The familiar sound of the string orchestra puts Kylo at ease. _Air on G string._

“Just like I imagined.” Hux gives a sad smile. 

He looks at Hux, they exchange sorrowful glances.

“Are you ready?” He says, voice shaking.

“Yes,” Kylo says. He knew that their time was up.

Hux took his dose first and washed it down with a swig of the alcohol. Kylo went next. They laid next to each other on the bed.

“Okay. it’s done. It’s settled.” Hux cleared his throat. 

“How long will it take?” Kylo was nervous.

“No idea.”

“Soon we will be in the garden of Eden, you and me, together,” Hux says, Kylo laughs. They close their eyes and listen to the bittersweet notes of Bach playing in the background.

~

They were laying in bed holding each other for about 20 minutes when Kylo felt Hux start to go limp. 

He panicked a bit, he didn't know what to do. _Should I take more to speed it up so I can go at the same time?_

“Hux?’ He cried out. “I don’t want you to go before me.” Kylo is starting to feel like this was a mistake. “I’m _sorry._ I’m so sorry I don’t know why I let you do this, please don’t go without me.”

Hux is now unable to sit up.

“I love you, Kylo.” he smiles at him, his eyes are glossy. 

“We’ll be together forever.”

Three minutes had passed of Kylo sobbing and pressing his lips to Hux’s cheek when he started to feel Hux’s breathing come to a halt. “Oh my god.” he wails, “This is real what the fuck have I done.” He can’t breathe.

And then, Kylo couldn't help but remember that the last time he talked to his mother on the phone, he left it off on a bad note, and how all she wanted was for him to visit her and he never got to do that.

Kylo sobbed violently. _I can’t I can’t I’m so sorry so sorry._ He feels ill.

Kylo tried to force his fingers down his throat and vomit the drugs back up, but it didn't work. He realized that now that Hux is gone, He had to leave with him too so they can be together.

His body felt weak, like the life was being slowly drained out of him as time passed. He tried to stand up but he couldn’t and fell back on the bed. His arms and legs were feeling too heavy for his body now.

He reached for the bedside table to grab his phone, his hands were shaking and he could barely control his fingers. He typed in his mother's number, it rang three times and went to voicemail. Kylo looked at the clock. 6:37 pm. He remembered that his mother never answered her phone during dinner time because it ‘wasn’t polite’ and _oh god how that would be her undoing._

He decided to leave a message. He could barely hear the voicemail beep over his sobs. “Mama? are you there? I’m so sorry _oh god oh god_ I’m so sorry I’m sorry I didn’t mean for it to end like this.”

All he can see right now is his mother's face on that sunny day when he was 17, looking down at him.

It was too late to ask for help now. “I'm going to be okay very soon mom. I hope I’ll see you one day.” 

At this point, he was choking on his breath and could barely speak in anything but a hoarse whisper, ”Please forgive me. I love you so much. I'm sorry.“

He hung up.

Kylo closes his eyes, settles back on the bed and wraps his arms around Hux, whose eyes are closed with a content look on his face. _They would finally be okay._

Minutes later, Kylo’s phone started to ring, the screen lights up. _‘mom_ ’ it reads. No one was there to answer.

_If I could start again_

_a million miles away_

_I will keep myself_

_I would find a way_

**Author's Note:**

> re-written feb 12 2021


End file.
